Nothing Matters.

I mean this in the best way possible.

Nobody is seeing me. Nobody is here. This is a great thing right now because they cannot see me fail. Nobody is reading all these words right now and judging my lack of sophistication or how much I lean on my influences or my general corniness. I’m simply here practicing for when they are here. This is my gym. My batting cage. My drug-induced ceiling chess.

I don’t check the stats on how many people read this, but I know they’re not at a place where I should really be worried about pleasing anyone, which means I have free reign to do and say whatever the fuck I want here. I mean that was the point of creating this blog, it’s just that my brain doesn’t let me feel that freedom most of the time. The freedom is the point and the not giving a fuck is the point, but it’s really hard to feel that way when I actually get to creating anything. I am so afraid of being bad that I end up being nothing, doing nothing. And this nothing matters, because it builds up in my chest until it consumes me, and that is not a good feeling. It seems dramatic, but it’s how I feel.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this is because I’m having trouble getting through a script. It’s probably gonna be bad, or just okay. I have to accept that and let it be that, because otherwise it will be nothing.

Kim’s Convenience is not the best show I’ve seen this year, but it’s certainly the most comforting. It’s about a Korean nuclear family that runs a convenience store in Toronto. It feels so genuine and earnest, while still being funny, but not too funny. I think if this show was too funny, it would kill the vibe. To interrogate these characters in such a way that you pick them apart to the level of an extremely funny show like Arrested Development would be too much for these characters(it is a little different because the characters in Arrested Development are objectively bad people). The characters in Kim’s Convenience are treated with a care that isn’t common in most other sitcoms like it. Most other sitcoms like it have too many episodes, sometimes causing a dissonance between the story of the week and a character’s development. Kim’s is a tight 13 episodes a season, giving it a more cohesive feel in terms of character development, while also leaving space for its sitcom-y ass plots. These plots radiate comfort in their simplicity, and are bolstered by great performances by its lead, Park Sun-Hyun Lee, who plays the dad.

You know when you’re with your parents, but you’re not really talking, or interacting really, you’re just in a place, with them? That’s what this show feels like. Sometimes that feeling is bad and awkward and uncomfortable, but other times it makes you want to cry because you miss it so bad. I haven’t yet felt the latter, but I know when I do I’m gonna watch Kim’s Convenience.

TOP FIVE (non-problematic)BAD THINGS BY GREAT ARTISTS

Donald Glover: Girls are Not to Be Trusted

derrickcomedy

This is a sketch from Glover’s college days, and it’s just okay. He really puts a lot into it, but the joke is just not that funny. I like rewatching this and some of the other derrickcomedy sketches to remind myself that everyone is bad at the beginning. It is extremely comforting.

Kanye West: The Last 5 Years

I don’t really want to talk about this at length. Kids See Ghosts was good. Please extract literally everything else he’s done from my memory.

Playboi Carti: Rockstar Made

This is a bad song. It sounds like he’s yelling in his room while a party is going on outside. Wildly disappointing as an opening track. I’d like to talk about it more but, I don’t wanna listen to it again. BTW this song and the next two in the album aren’t very good, but the rest of the album is great.

John Mulaney: Mulaney

I remember watching this when I was a lil child that enjoyed classic sitcoms. I thought this would be like that, and it was, except for the part where I remember what happens and who the characters are. It also wasn’t that funny or original in any way, it was just another white dude getting his chance. I love literally everything else the man does though, and I’m glad he made something bad that I can look back to and remind myself about when I don’t feel good enough.

Issa Rae: The first episode of Awkward Black Girl

This episode is literally Issa just shooting her shot, and I love it for that reason. But, the acting and the writing is a bit clunky. BUT SHE SHOT HER FUCKING SHOT AND IT’S INCREDIBLE THAT IT WORKED. She built her entire career off of this, and it feels like something I could make if I really tried.

A Farewell To 2020

bye.

Right now, I am nothing, but eventually I’ll be a writer.